Extended Stay

Mind-numbing...Drunk again...well maybe not drunk but well you know...I'm laying here in bed, watching Conan, and the jokes start out extra funny but what seems like an eternity but is only 20 minutes...I realize I must have the visage of a vegetable.

The glory of it all is the repetition. Master percussionists wouldn't enjoy this routine as well as I do. Tick for tick, every day is the same as the last. Subtly over time little things change but I have done my best to hold them back. I look out of the window rarely now....

When she comes to clean the bedroom, I sit in the tub with the door locked. As the years went by she tried to talk to me through the door. She wasn't the first. There were many before her. Some angry and would beat the door. They would say,

"Mister open up. Are you crazy? I need to clean the bathroom? Are you crazy?"

I didn't say anything I could feel the anger inside me build up and I could explode if I wanted to but I know the ramifications of that. If I blew up the manager would come andhe like his bosses before him would try to kick me out. I would be shoved back out and I like it here. I do. I really like it here.

If you're reading this I must have passed. I kept this hidden in the bottom of my vinyl toiletries case. It was next to the empty trial size tube of Crest, the empty bottle of Brut cologne, the empty bottle of Goldbond. When I first came here I should mention that I didn't intend to use more than was in those bottles.

For fear that those in the hotel that have taken care of me will be implicated I do not want to write explicitly my location, but I will tell you this. I am at a major hotel in a major city. Many thousands of people have stayed here. It's very well possible the number is close to a million. I watch them. Not many people know they are being watched when the check in but I see them. I don't go out the front door but when you check in look around. If you see some windows into rooms. You might find someone nodding slightly from a distance. You will probably be so enthralled in your luggage and those wild kids that won't fucking stand still you'll never see a thing.

Excuse my temper.

The reason I am writing this tonight in the cold blue haze of Conan is to tell you the story of how I left this room. I came here 20 years ago in 1986. I could tell you in 10 pages what I did between then and now but I think you'll find it a bit repetitive after paragraph one. I am writing this because now I am dying. I am dying because I left. I left because I fell in love again.

I promise you this story does not have a happy ending...
In the traditional sense.

But you need to know that somewhere at the bottom of this black vinyl toiletry bag, beyond the soap stains and faded scent of Brut, I found hope. I retire back here to spend my remaining hours as I spent them for years but I can be proud that when I was given one more chance I took it. Ah screw it.

Why do my legs feel like they're on fire after standing up from sitting down too long. If Darwin was right and we were built to move then our legs would hurt while we were sitting down not after. If you relax enough, if you truly give up, you won't feel any pain.

How is that natural selection?